Chapter 5:

Adam and I were at my apartment early one Saturday morning after a night of partying. Everyone was asleep and the two of us were hanging out in the living room listening to music and chatting. I wondered where his girlfriend was, but I also didn’t really care. We were pretty drunk, feeling good and had just left a party.

“I’m so annoyed that I live so far away,” he said. He lived a half hour cab ride away.

“You can crash on my couch if you want,” I said.

“Yes, thank you!” he said.

The room went silent. I sat there and wondered what was going through his head. Adam was so indecipherable. I never knew what he was thinking or what he was going to do next. He had a girlfriend, yet was always flirting with me. He had a girlfriend, yet was at my place at 3 in the morning. I liked him more because I thought it was clear to me that he liked me too.

The silence continued. I loved and hated not knowing what was going on in his head. The anticipation was killing me.

“Ok, let’s go to bed,” he said nonchalantly like it wasn’t a huge deal. He strutted to my bedroom by himself and disappeared. I sat on the couch in complete disbelief.

There’s no way he’s sleeping in my bed with me. I thought I said the couch. I said the couch, right?

I was left frozen in the living room and completely lost in thought. My heart was beating so fast from the frustrated emotions that were running through my mind. His loud voice broke my thoughts.

“Come to bed,” he yelled from my room, which was just around the corner. My heart was in my throat. He was serious. 

My intuition was uneasy, but my obsession of getting Adam’s attention over ruled it so deeply that I would sleep in the same bed with someone in a relationship. My true self was completely checked out, as it usually was when I was around Adam. I wouldn’t normally do this, but I went in my bedroom and accepted whatever was to come of this situation.

Adam sat on my bed in his pajamas, which he wore under his clothes for some reason. He was so weird. After changing in my pajamas, I joined him under the covers in bed.

“Where’s Maggie?” I said.

“She’s out of town for the weekend,” he said and didn’t elaborate.

I turned off the lights and hoped we’d fall asleep. I felt uncomfortable, but at the same time I had Adam’s full attention. I was completely conflicted. I knew the right thing I had to do, but couldn’t bring myself to tell him to get the fuck out.

As I rolled over, Adam grabbed my butt. He laughed. I swatted him away playfully. I couldn’t look at him without feeling like a giddy 16 year old. My girl crush definitely out weighed the awkward situation.

We eventually got deep into a conversation. Even though this guy was a total dick, we could talk effortlessly for hours. Then, to my surprise, Adam started to open up.

“I hate it when people are mad at me,” he said.

“Well me too, who doesn’t hate that?” I said 

“No, like I used to be really self conscious about myself growing up. I always feel like people hate me and are judging me. Especially for being so young in my job,” he said. His vulnerability shocked me.  

“You’re the most confident person I’ve ever met,” I said.

“I know. It’s kind of an act sometimes,” he said. Then he gave me an opening to break down my walls.

“I’m really scared I’m going to end up alone,” I revealed to him. I started to become the most honest with myself that I had been in months. His exposed anxieties gave me the comfort to reveal mine.

“One of my biggest fears is not being able to find someone. I really don’t think there is anyone out there for me,” I said. My hurt feelings from the breakup were surfacing from being pushed back for months. My emotional vulnerability was at a high.

“If anyone should be worried about finding someone, it shouldn’t be you,” he said. “You’re literally the cutest girl, you’re so sweet and fun. There is no way you’ll be alone.”

The fear of releasing my deepest thoughts was rewarded. I was overcome with happiness to hear something like when I needed it most. It was even nicer to hear it from him.

“Can I tell you something?” he said.

“Sure,” I said.

“If I wasn’t dating Maggie, we would be dating,” he said like it was a fact. I froze. Did he really just say that? Does this confirm his feelings for me, is something going to happen right now? I didn’t say anything and waited.

“Does that make you feel better?” he said.

“Uh,” I said. I felt extremely ashamed for putting myself in this situation.

What the fuck, I thought. I knew this was his way of trying to make me feel better, but what the fuck?

“I’m going to sleep,” I said. He agreed. I couldn’t take a second longer of my emotions swinging back and forth so abruptly. His hand found mine under the covers. The 180 swing returned and I grabbed it back.

The next morning Adam woke up, got dressed, said bye to me with a hug and headed home. I later found myself on the couch in the living room when my roommate Melissa walked through the front door from her night out.

“How was your night?” she asked.

“Adam slept over. In my bed,” I said quickly. I looked to the floor to avoid eye contact with her. I felt embarrassed.

“You’re fucking kidding me?” she said. “What a piece of shit.”

She was right. I felt absolutely worthless and used. But, later that night, I got a text from him:

‘Your bed was awful. My bed is so much better than yours,’ it said.

 A smile crept up on my face and I was back to square one. The old sensible me was long gone at this point.

“I’m so annoyed that I live so far away,” he said. He lived a half hour cab ride away.

“You can crash on my couch if you want,” I said.

“Yes, thank you!” he said.

The room went silent. I sat there and wondered what was going through his head. Adam was so indecipherable. I never knew what he was thinking or what he was going to do next. He had a girlfriend, yet was always flirting with me. He had a girlfriend, yet was at my place at 3 in the morning. I liked him more because I thought it was clear to me that he liked me too.

The silence continued. I loved and hated not knowing what was going on in his head. The anticipation was killing me.

“Ok, let’s go to bed,” he said nonchalantly like it wasn’t a huge deal. He strutted to my bedroom by himself and disappeared. I sat on the couch in complete disbelief.

There’s no way he’s sleeping in my bed with me. I thought I said the couch. I said the couch, right?

I was left frozen in the living room and completely lost in thought. My heart was beating so fast from the frustrated emotions that were running through my mind. His loud voice broke my thoughts.

“Come to bed,” he yelled from my room, which was just around the corner. My heart was in my throat. He was serious. 

My intuition was uneasy, but my obsession of getting Adam’s attention over ruled it so deeply that I would sleep in the same bed with someone in a relationship. My true self was completely checked out, as it usually was when I was around Adam. I wouldn’t normally do this, but I went in my bedroom and accepted whatever was to come of this situation.

Adam sat on my bed in his pajamas, which he wore under his clothes for some reason. He was so weird. After changing in my pajamas, I joined him under the covers in bed.

“Where’s Maggie?” I said.

“She’s out of town for the weekend,” he said and didn’t elaborate.

I turned off the lights and hoped we’d fall asleep. I felt uncomfortable, but at the same time I had Adam’s full attention. I was completely conflicted. I knew the right thing I had to do, but couldn’t bring myself to tell him to get the fuck out.

As I rolled over, Adam grabbed my butt. He laughed. I swatted him away playfully. I couldn’t look at him without feeling like a giddy 16 year old. My girl crush definitely out weighed the awkward situation.

We eventually got deep into a conversation. Even though this guy was a total dick, we could talk effortlessly for hours. Then, to my surprise, Adam started to open up.

“I hate it when people are mad at me,” he said.

“Well me too, who doesn’t hate that?” I said 

“No, like I used to be really self conscious about myself growing up. I always feel like people hate me and are judging me. Especially for being so young in my job,” he said. His vulnerability shocked me.  

“You’re the most confident person I’ve ever met,” I said.

“I know. It’s kind of an act sometimes,” he said. Then he gave me an opening to break down my walls.

“I’m really scared I’m going to end up alone,” I revealed to him. I started to become the most honest with myself that I had been in months. His exposed anxieties gave me the comfort to reveal mine.

“One of my biggest fears is not being able to find someone. I really don’t think there is anyone out there for me,” I said. My hurt feelings from the breakup were surfacing from being pushed back for months. My emotional vulnerability was at a high.

“If anyone should be worried about finding someone, it shouldn’t be you,” he said. “You’re literally the cutest girl, you’re so sweet and fun. There is no way you’ll be alone.”

The fear of releasing my deepest thoughts was rewarded. I was overcome with happiness to hear something like when I needed it most. It was even nicer to hear it from him.

“Can I tell you something?” he said.

“Sure,” I said.

“If I wasn’t dating Maggie, we would be dating,” he said like it was a fact. I froze. Did he really just say that? Does this confirm his feelings for me, is something going to happen right now? I didn’t say anything and waited.

“Does that make you feel better?” he said.

“Uh,” I said. I felt extremely ashamed for putting myself in this situation.

What the fuck, I thought. I knew this was his way of trying to make me feel better, but what the fuck?

“I’m going to sleep,” I said. He agreed. I couldn’t take a second longer of my emotions swinging back and forth so abruptly. His hand found mine under the covers. The 180 swing returned and I grabbed it back.

The next morning Adam woke up, got dressed, said bye to me with a hug and headed home. I later found myself on the couch in the living room when my roommate Melissa walked through the front door from her night out.

“How was your night?” she asked.

“Adam slept over. In my bed,” I said quickly. I looked to the floor to avoid eye contact with her. I felt embarrassed.

“You’re fucking kidding me?” she said. “What a piece of shit.”

She was right. I felt absolutely worthless and used. But, later that night, I got a text from him:

‘Your bed was awful. My bed is so much better than yours,’ it said.

 A smile crept up on my face and I was back to square one. The old sensible me was long gone at this point.

“I’m so annoyed that I live so far away,” he said. He lived a half hour cab ride away.

“You can crash on my couch if you want,” I said.

“Yes, thank you!” he said.

The room went silent. I sat there and wondered what was going through his head. Adam was so indecipherable. I never knew what he was thinking or what he was going to do next. He had a girlfriend, yet was always flirting with me. He had a girlfriend, yet was at my place at 3 in the morning. I liked him more because I thought it was clear to me that he liked me too.

The silence continued. I loved and hated not knowing what was going on in his head. The anticipation was killing me.

“Ok, let’s go to bed,” he said nonchalantly like it wasn’t a huge deal. He strutted to my bedroom by himself and disappeared. I sat on the couch in complete disbelief.

There’s no way he’s sleeping in my bed with me. I thought I said the couch. I said the couch, right?

I was left frozen in the living room and completely lost in thought. My heart was beating so fast from the frustrated emotions that were running through my mind. His loud voice broke my thoughts.

“Come to bed,” he yelled from my room, which was just around the corner. My heart was in my throat. He was serious. 

My intuition was uneasy, but my obsession of getting Adam’s attention over ruled it so deeply that I would sleep in the same bed with someone in a relationship. My true self was completely checked out, as it usually was when I was around Adam. I wouldn’t normally do this, but I went in my bedroom and accepted whatever was to come of this situation.

Adam sat on my bed in his pajamas, which he wore under his clothes for some reason. He was so weird. After changing in my pajamas, I joined him under the covers in bed.

“Where’s Maggie?” I said.

“She’s out of town for the weekend,” he said and didn’t elaborate.

I turned off the lights and hoped we’d fall asleep. I felt uncomfortable, but at the same time I had Adam’s full attention. I was completely conflicted. I knew the right thing I had to do, but couldn’t bring myself to tell him to get the fuck out.

As I rolled over, Adam grabbed my butt. He laughed. I swatted him away playfully. I couldn’t look at him without feeling like a giddy 16 year old. My girl crush definitely out weighed the awkward situation.

We eventually got deep into a conversation. Even though this guy was a total dick, we could talk effortlessly for hours. Then, to my surprise, Adam started to open up.

“I hate it when people are mad at me,” he said.

“Well me too, who doesn’t hate that?” I said 

“No, like I used to be really self conscious about myself growing up. I always feel like people hate me and are judging me. Especially for being so young in my job,” he said. His vulnerability shocked me.  

“You’re the most confident person I’ve ever met,” I said.

“I know. It’s kind of an act sometimes,” he said. Then he gave me an opening to break down my walls.

“I’m really scared I’m going to end up alone,” I revealed to him. I started to become the most honest with myself that I had been in months. His exposed anxieties gave me the comfort to reveal mine.

“One of my biggest fears is not being able to find someone. I really don’t think there is anyone out there for me,” I said. My hurt feelings from the breakup were surfacing from being pushed back for months. My emotional vulnerability was at a high.

“If anyone should be worried about finding someone, it shouldn’t be you,” he said. “You’re literally the cutest girl, you’re so sweet and fun. There is no way you’ll be alone.”

The fear of releasing my deepest thoughts was rewarded. I was overcome with happiness to hear something like when I needed it most. It was even nicer to hear it from him.

“Can I tell you something?” he said.

“Sure,” I said.

“If I wasn’t dating Maggie, we would be dating,” he said like it was a fact. I froze. Did he really just say that? Does this confirm his feelings for me, is something going to happen right now? I didn’t say anything and waited.

“Does that make you feel better?” he said.

“Uh,” I said. I felt extremely ashamed for putting myself in this situation.

What the fuck, I thought. I knew this was his way of trying to make me feel better, but what the fuck?

“I’m going to sleep,” I said. He agreed. I couldn’t take a second longer of my emotions swinging back and forth so abruptly. His hand found mine under the covers. The 180 swing returned and I grabbed it back.

The next morning Adam woke up, got dressed, said bye to me with a hug and headed home. I later found myself on the couch in the living room when my roommate Melissa walked through the front door from her night out.

“How was your night?” she asked.

“Adam slept over. In my bed,” I said quickly. I looked to the floor to avoid eye contact with her. I felt embarrassed.

“You’re fucking kidding me?” she said. “What a piece of shit.”

She was right. I felt absolutely worthless and used. But, later that night, I got a text from him:

‘Your bed was awful. My bed is so much better than yours,’ it said.

 A smile crept up on my face and I was back to square one. The old sensible me was long gone at this point.

“I’m so annoyed that I live so far away,” he said. He lived a half hour cab ride away.

“You can crash on my couch if you want,” I said.

“Yes, thank you!” he said.

The room went silent. I sat there and wondered what was going through his head. Adam was so indecipherable. I never knew what he was thinking or what he was going to do next. He had a girlfriend, yet was always flirting with me. He had a girlfriend, yet was at my place at 3 in the morning. I liked him more because I thought it was clear to me that he liked me too.

The silence continued. I loved and hated not knowing what was going on in his head. The anticipation was killing me.

“Ok, let’s go to bed,” he said nonchalantly like it wasn’t a huge deal. He strutted to my bedroom by himself and disappeared. I sat on the couch in complete disbelief.

There’s no way he’s sleeping in my bed with me. I thought I said the couch. I said the couch, right?

I was left frozen in the living room and completely lost in thought. My heart was beating so fast from the frustrated emotions that were running through my mind. His loud voice broke my thoughts.

“Come to bed,” he yelled from my room, which was just around the corner. My heart was in my throat. He was serious. 

My intuition was uneasy, but my obsession of getting Adam’s attention over ruled it so deeply that I would sleep in the same bed with someone in a relationship. My true self was completely checked out, as it usually was when I was around Adam. I wouldn’t normally do this, but I went in my bedroom and accepted whatever was to come of this situation.

Adam sat on my bed in his pajamas, which he wore under his clothes for some reason. He was so weird. After changing in my pajamas, I joined him under the covers in bed.

“Where’s Maggie?” I said.

“She’s out of town for the weekend,” he said and didn’t elaborate.

I turned off the lights and hoped we’d fall asleep. I felt uncomfortable, but at the same time I had Adam’s full attention. I was completely conflicted. I knew the right thing I had to do, but couldn’t bring myself to tell him to get the fuck out.

As I rolled over, Adam grabbed my butt. He laughed. I swatted him away playfully. I couldn’t look at him without feeling like a giddy 16 year old. My girl crush definitely out weighed the awkward situation.

We eventually got deep into a conversation. Even though this guy was a total dick, we could talk effortlessly for hours. Then, to my surprise, Adam started to open up.

“I hate it when people are mad at me,” he said.

“Well me too, who doesn’t hate that?” I said 

“No, like I used to be really self conscious about myself growing up. I always feel like people hate me and are judging me. Especially for being so young in my job,” he said. His vulnerability shocked me.  

“You’re the most confident person I’ve ever met,” I said.

“I know. It’s kind of an act sometimes,” he said. Then he gave me an opening to break down my walls.

“I’m really scared I’m going to end up alone,” I revealed to him. I started to become the most honest with myself that I had been in months. His exposed anxieties gave me the comfort to reveal mine.

“One of my biggest fears is not being able to find someone. I really don’t think there is anyone out there for me,” I said. My hurt feelings from the breakup were surfacing from being pushed back for months. My emotional vulnerability was at a high.

“If anyone should be worried about finding someone, it shouldn’t be you,” he said. “You’re literally the cutest girl, you’re so sweet and fun. There is no way you’ll be alone.”

The fear of releasing my deepest thoughts was rewarded. I was overcome with happiness to hear something like when I needed it most. It was even nicer to hear it from him.

“Can I tell you something?” he said.

“Sure,” I said.

“If I wasn’t dating Maggie, we would be dating,” he said like it was a fact. I froze. Did he really just say that? Does this confirm his feelings for me, is something going to happen right now? I didn’t say anything and waited.

“Does that make you feel better?” he said.

“Uh,” I said. I felt extremely ashamed for putting myself in this situation.

What the fuck, I thought. I knew this was his way of trying to make me feel better, but what the fuck?

“I’m going to sleep,” I said. He agreed. I couldn’t take a second longer of my emotions swinging back and forth so abruptly. His hand found mine under the covers. The 180 swing returned and I grabbed it back.

The next morning Adam woke up, got dressed, said bye to me with a hug and headed home. I later found myself on the couch in the living room when my roommate Melissa walked through the front door from her night out.

“How was your night?” she asked.

“Adam slept over. In my bed,” I said quickly. I looked to the floor to avoid eye contact with her. I felt embarrassed.

“You’re fucking kidding me?” she said. “What a piece of shit.”

She was right. I felt absolutely worthless and used. But, later that night, I got a text from him:

‘Your bed was awful. My bed is so much better than yours,’ it said.

 A smile crept up on my face and I was back to square one. The old sensible me was long gone at this point.

“I’m so annoyed that I live so far away,” he said. He lived a half hour cab ride away.

“You can crash on my couch if you want,” I said.

“Yes, thank you!” he said.

The room went silent. I sat there and wondered what was going through his head. Adam was so indecipherable. I never knew what he was thinking or what he was going to do next. He had a girlfriend, yet was always flirting with me. He had a girlfriend, yet was at my place at 3 in the morning. I liked him more because I thought it was clear to me that he liked me too.

The silence continued. I loved and hated not knowing what was going on in his head. The anticipation was killing me.

“Ok, let’s go to bed,” he said nonchalantly like it wasn’t a huge deal. He strutted to my bedroom by himself and disappeared. I sat on the couch in complete disbelief.

There’s no way he’s sleeping in my bed with me. I thought I said the couch. I said the couch, right?

I was left frozen in the living room and completely lost in thought. My heart was beating so fast from the frustrated emotions that were running through my mind. His loud voice broke my thoughts.

“Come to bed,” he yelled from my room, which was just around the corner. My heart was in my throat. He was serious. 

My intuition was uneasy, but my obsession of getting Adam’s attention over ruled it so deeply that I would sleep in the same bed with someone in a relationship. My true self was completely checked out, as it usually was when I was around Adam. I wouldn’t normally do this, but I went in my bedroom and accepted whatever was to come of this situation.

Adam sat on my bed in his pajamas, which he wore under his clothes for some reason. He was so weird. After changing in my pajamas, I joined him under the covers in bed.

“Where’s Maggie?” I said.

“She’s out of town for the weekend,” he said and didn’t elaborate.

I turned off the lights and hoped we’d fall asleep. I felt uncomfortable, but at the same time I had Adam’s full attention. I was completely conflicted. I knew the right thing I had to do, but couldn’t bring myself to tell him to get the fuck out.

As I rolled over, Adam grabbed my butt. He laughed. I swatted him away playfully. I couldn’t look at him without feeling like a giddy 16 year old. My girl crush definitely out weighed the awkward situation.

We eventually got deep into a conversation. Even though this guy was a total dick, we could talk effortlessly for hours. Then, to my surprise, Adam started to open up.

“I hate it when people are mad at me,” he said.

“Well me too, who doesn’t hate that?” I said 

“No, like I used to be really self conscious about myself growing up. I always feel like people hate me and are judging me. Especially for being so young in my job,” he said. His vulnerability shocked me.  

“You’re the most confident person I’ve ever met,” I said.

“I know. It’s kind of an act sometimes,” he said. Then he gave me an opening to break down my walls.

“I’m really scared I’m going to end up alone,” I revealed to him. I started to become the most honest with myself that I had been in months. His exposed anxieties gave me the comfort to reveal mine.

“One of my biggest fears is not being able to find someone. I really don’t think there is anyone out there for me,” I said. My hurt feelings from the breakup were surfacing from being pushed back for months. My emotional vulnerability was at a high.

“If anyone should be worried about finding someone, it shouldn’t be you,” he said. “You’re literally the cutest girl, you’re so sweet and fun. There is no way you’ll be alone.”

The fear of releasing my deepest thoughts was rewarded. I was overcome with happiness to hear something like when I needed it most. It was even nicer to hear it from him.

“Can I tell you something?” he said.

“Sure,” I said.

“If I wasn’t dating Maggie, we would be dating,” he said like it was a fact. I froze. Did he really just say that? Does this confirm his feelings for me, is something going to happen right now? I didn’t say anything and waited.

“Does that make you feel better?” he said.

“Uh,” I said. I felt extremely ashamed for putting myself in this situation.

What the fuck, I thought. I knew this was his way of trying to make me feel better, but what the fuck?

“I’m going to sleep,” I said. He agreed. I couldn’t take a second longer of my emotions swinging back and forth so abruptly. His hand found mine under the covers. The 180 swing returned and I grabbed it back.

The next morning Adam woke up, got dressed, said bye to me with a hug and headed home. I later found myself on the couch in the living room when my roommate Melissa walked through the front door from her night out.

“How was your night?” she asked.

“Adam slept over. In my bed,” I said quickly. I looked to the floor to avoid eye contact with her. I felt embarrassed.

“You’re fucking kidding me?” she said. “What a piece of shit.”

She was right. I felt absolutely worthless and used. But, later that night, I got a text from him:

‘Your bed was awful. My bed is so much better than yours,’ it said.

 A smile crept up on my face and I was back to square one. The old sensible me was long gone at this point.